


Blind Date

by flootzavut



Series: McDating DiNozzo [1]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Coming Out, Community: nfacommunity, Eventual Romance, Friendship, Humour, M/M, WEE 2017, dialogue only, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 20:25:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11321058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: When they got set up on blind dates, this was not what either of them had in mind...





	Blind Date

**Author's Note:**

  * For [IMSLES](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IMSLES/gifts).



> I didn't really intend to write a dialogue only story, but it seemed to work best this way ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I hope my readers will agree!
> 
> Written for IMSLES for the NFA WEE exchange 2017. The prompt I used is in the end notes :)

* * *

_**Blind Date** _

* * *

 

"Hey, McTim, what are you doing here?"

"Oh God, Tony, what are  _you_  doing here?"

"I have a date, I told you."

"No, I know that, Tony, you've been talking about it nonstop all day, I'm asking what you're doing  _here_ , in the restaurant where I am on a date."

"You are? I don't see a date here, McLoner. Ahhh, looking apprehensively at your watch, never a good sign. She stood you up, didn't she?"

"I got here early."

"Rookie mistake. Too eager. Always show up late, let her do the nervous waiting. You still have much to learn, Grasshopper... How late is she?"

"... thirty minutes."

"Ouch. I think maybe you have to learn to accept rejection, McDumped. Whereas I, thirty minutes late and with an excellent excuse, will be greeted with relief by my date, who has probably been sitting here for at least forty-five minutes."

"You must be a horrible date."

"Au contraire, McDoubtful. I'm a delight."

"You still didn't answer my question."

"Which one?"

"Why do  _you_  have a date  _here_?"

"Why not?"

"Okay, I'll rephrase it: 'Why, God, why would you do this to me?'"

"Drama queen."

"... drama queen? You're calling  _me_  a drama queen?"

"Stop spluttering, McGee, it's not very attractive."

"..."

"Seriously. Stop."

"I hate you."

"I'll live."

"Don't count on it."

"Well, I have a date to find..."

"Unless she stood you up."

"She didn't. Stop spluttering. And grumbling. Did you just mutter at me?"

"I said, why would you be this late on purpose?"

"So I don't end up sitting here looking like an idiot. I mean come on, it's just sad, look at yourself."

"If I was your date, I'd kick you in the crotch and leave if you made me wait this long."

"No you wouldn't, you'd lie and say of course you haven't been waiting long, it's perfectly all right, you were sure I'd get here as soon as I could, and you knew I would only be late for an unavoidable reason."

"You're a terrible human being, Tony, do you realise that?

"Oh, don't get your panties in a knot. You're such a girl."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"I would stay and argue with you, but I have a date to rescue from dining in solitude... what was that?"

"I said, I hope she stands you up."

"That's not very charitable, McGoo."

"Good. Where is she, anyway?"

"Well, she was supposed to be waiting for me at this very bar. I'm guessing she went to powder her nose."

"I haven't seen anyone else hanging around."

"You're deficient when it comes to spotting hot girls, McClueless. I bet she was here before you and has been here all the time, and didn't even make your geekdar beep."

"I  _am_  a special agent."

"At work, sure. In the wild, you're a geek... don't pout, McGeek, you know it's true."

"What does she look like, anyway?"

"Tall, brunette, green eyes. Unconventionally gorgeous."

"... unconventional? Whoever set you up doesn't know you very well."

"What are you trying to say?"

"Unconventional is code for 'you wouldn't look twice,' Tony."

"No it's not, it just means... not my... usual type..."

"Like I said, someone doesn't know you very well."

"Shut up."

"Getting stood up by a woman you probably wouldn't have asked out. That's gotta hurt."

"I haven't been stood up yet."

"If your date is this late, Tony, you've been stood up. Trust me, I know."

"Well, I would bow to your expertise in this matter, Tim, since I have no doubt you have been stood up many times, but DiNozzos do not get stood up, and I'm not about to break that universal law. There was probably some kind of emergency, and Margaret will have left a message on my home number because she mislaid my cellphone number."

"They're both on the same business card, Tony..."

"Well, you know Margaret, she's kind of a ditz."

"Wait, Margaret on the South East Asian desk?"

"Yeah?"

"She set me up, too."

"Oh. Huh."

"What was that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Just... huh."

"You're disappointed we both got set up by the same person, aren't you?"

"I didn't say that!"

"Tony, I know that 'huh.' That's your 'How dare you compare us? I am infinitely superior to you in every way' noise."

"... that's very specific."

"I've heard it a lot."

"Huh."

"Knew it."

"What?"

"That was your 'Damnit, I forgot you actually know me that well' noise."

"Do you have a catalogue?!"

"I just know you."

"Oh."

"And now you're thinking, if Margaret set McGee up, then maybe her friend isn't actually all that hot."

"Shut up."

"Just admit it, Tony."

"I'm not saying a word. I'm sure my date is beautiful. Tall, brunette, green eyes, how can that go wrong?"

"What's her name?"

"Margaret wouldn't tell me. How about you?"

"She said I'd know and that I'd thank her."

"Huh. And you thought 'unconventionally gorgeous' was a warning sign."

"What?"

"Sounds like she was halfway to saying 'Well, she has a great personality,' Probie. Which is almost as bad as saying she has good hair."

"What's wrong with having good hair? There's nothing wrong with good hair. I have good hair.  _You_  have good hair."

"I have  _great_  hair."

"So, then."

"But it's not what you wanna hear when someone's setting you up. It's code for 'if you concentrate on her hair, you can ignore her nose' or 'she has enough hair you can probably cover up her face if you need to'."

"You're revolting, Tony."

"But I do know that whereof I speak, Probalicious."

"Oh, shut up yourself."

"What else did she tell you?"

"Tall, brown hair, green... Oh my God."

"What?"

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

"What?"

"Oh my God, Tony."

" _What_ , Tim?"

"Tall? Brown hair, green eyes?"

"Yeah? What, did she set us up with the same woman?"

"That would be so much less awful."

"Then  _what_?"

"Tony... I really don't know how to say this, I really don't  _want_  to say this, but she set you up with me."

"What? No, that's ridiculous."

"Do you see anyone else here who matches that description?"

"... no."

"See?"

"But your eyes aren't... oh. Okay. But that's ridiculous, Margaret doesn't know- I mean..."

"Margaret doesn't know what?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Face it, Tony, I am your tall, brown-haired, green-eyed, unconventionally gorgeous date, and you are mine. And I can't believe I just said that."

"I'm sure there's just been some kind of delay..."

"You think she set us both up with dates in the same restaurant and both our dates coincidentally failed to show up?"

"Well, mine hasn't shown up  _yet_. Yours probably took one look at you and made a run for it."

"Hey!"

"... sorry."

"So what you're saying is, a woman gets the chance to go on a date with Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo and she turns up... wow, almost forty-five minutes late?"

"... I..."

"Really?"

"She's... on her way. Or in the restroom. Or maybe she got in an accident and... had to go to the emergency room. What? What's so funny?"

"I didn't say anything."

"You think I don't know  _your_  facial expressions?"

"You know, I was really mad at Margaret for a minute there, but this? This is priceless. I'm glad I get to witness you making feeble excuses for a nonexistent woman."

"She exists!"

"She doesn't, Tony."

"She- I-..."

"Look, I'm not exactly thrilled about this either, but you need to face facts. Margaret set you up with me."

"There must be some explanation."

"That  _is_  the explanation, Tony... You just have to learn acceptance, Grasshopper."

"Harhar."

"Just looking at the situation and making the best of it."

"Making the best of it?"

"Laughing at you."

"Huh. It's like... revenge of the geek."

"I'm taking my entertainment where I can find it."

"I still think you're wrong. There's a tall, gorgeous, green eyed brunette out there with my name on it. Uh... that came out wrong."

"You think?"

"Don't try and do Gibbs, it doesn't suit you. And I'm sure there's a better explanation. There has to be.

"You're clutching at straws, Tony."

"But Margaret said- wait..."

"She didn't give you a name, did she?"

"Well, no."

"Said it was someone she thought you might have overlooked."

"She said that to you, too?"

"Yup."

"Someone  _you_  overlooked?"

"Hey!"

"... sorry. You know I don't mean that, right?"

"Yeah?"

"Well. Not in the sense of not meaning it, just in the sense that I don't want to be mean."

"Charming."

"I am a DiNozzo. It's like... inbuilt."

"You wish."

"Well. This is just... great."

"No need to get offended about it. So she thought you swing both ways, what's the big deal?"

"I..."

"And hey, you have to admit, it's pretty amusing."

"You realise I had this suit dry-cleaned specially?"

"I'm flattered."

"You're not as funny as you think you are, McGee."

"Oh come on, you can't deny it's kind of funny, that of all the people at work, she set  _me_  up with  _you_."

"Yeah, I'm clearly way out of your league."

"...?"

"Uh, and I'm a guy, and you're also a guy, and..."

"Is there something you wanna tell me here?"

"No?"

" _Tony_."

"Uh."

"Well... wow, I didn't expect that."

"Look, can we not make a big deal out of this?"

"Who's making a big deal?

"Okay, can we not make a small deal out of this? Or... any kind of deal?"

"That's rich coming from you, DiNozzo. You're the one who keeps telling people I'm gay."

"Ah... yeah, about that."

"Yeah?"

"Sorry."

"... did you just apologise?"

"..."

"Did you mean it?"

"I... yeah. Kinda."

"Under the circumstances, I'll take it.

"Good."

"... Wait, why did you do that, anyway? Why have you always been so interested in my sexuality, Tony?"

"Um."

"Tony?"

"I need a drink."

" _Tony_?"

"Don't ask a question if you don't want to know the answer."

"Oh."

"I really,  _really_  need a drink."

"Wow. I really,  _really_  didn't see that coming."

"Apparently, only Margaret did."

"Wow. I, uh, could also really use a drink."

"Then I'm gonna go home and keep drinking until I kill the brain cells that hold all my memories of this evening. I suggest you do the same, McGoo."

"..."

"Tim?"

"I was just thinking."

"Yeah?"

"We're here. And there's a table that's probably booked under our names. And I don't know if you can actually afford to kill that many brain cells."

"Cute."

"So... there's another option."

"... what are you saying, McGee?"

"That... there are worse people to share a meal with."

"No wonder you're still single."

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that."

"No?"

"... okay, I kind of did. But seriously. Maybe we should just have a meal. And see what happens."

"You think something could happen?"

"I think you're going to be obnoxious and I'm gonna regret not going home right now, but on the off chance I'm wrong..."

"Yeah?"

"Margaret said I'd thank her."

"Yeah?"

"She's probably way off, but..."

"... she might not be?"

"There's an infinitesimal possibility."

"Keep using big words like that, McEgghead, and you might get lucky."

"Oh God, I changed my mind, I need that drink."

"Hey, hey, calm down. I'm kidding. Let's go find our table."

"Really?"

"Really."

"I can't believe I'm on a date with Tony DiNozzo."

"I can't believe you're on a date with Tony DiNozzo, either."

"Shut up."

"Okay. Let me know when I should break out the sparkling repartee."

"I'm gonna regret this, aren't I? Oh, God. I regret it already. Let's go eat."

_~ fin ~_

**Author's Note:**

> Stupid Cupid:  
> Someone plays matchmaker, but matches up the wrong pair?  
> Someone plans a romantic evening/getaway, but something makes it go all wrong?  
> Other interpretation?  
> Any rating. Any pairing. Up through season 12.


End file.
